were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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