i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
