i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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