I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
