Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
