In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
