the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
