Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was confusing and full of hummus
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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