I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
