haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
