Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Randomize
