Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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