Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
