he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize