The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
