Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
