You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
