Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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