I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
