You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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