I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
