But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i just had sex bonerless
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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