i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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