Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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