Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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