dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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