well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
