Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
