Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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