my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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