margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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