If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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