my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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