Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
