If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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