the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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