I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
