I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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