Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize