I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
