I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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