I'm so fucking centered right now
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
