i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
