I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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