I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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