You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
