My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
