man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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