She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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