I can text with my tongue
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
