Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
