I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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