I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
