Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
